Friday, October 16, 2009

I Want to Know You More

My final chemo session has been administered. As I posted on Facebook, after waiting for blood counts and approval from the doctor for an agonizing 30+ minutes on Tuesday the 13th, (closer to 45 minutes) the doctor finally approved my final chemo session. Chemo is done! My anemia is still in effect, and the iron shots have not quite kicked in yet, so fatigue is a constant battle. Radiation will not help matters as the rays will continue to take my red blood counts down and keep the anemia going. The cancer center will continue to give me iron injections until my counts reach 10 points. If they reach 8, I was told a blood transfusion takes place. The lowest I’ve been is 9.3. Lets pray my counts remain above 8. They were 9.6 on Tuesday but then chemo will take them lower again before they begin to rise.

I don’t have a radiation schedule as of yet, but have been told it will be about a month after chemo is done, so I am expecting early to mid November before radiation begins. Before I start actual treatments, I will have examinations, pictures taken for precise line up, tatoo’s to “mark the spot” for the same line up each time and who knows what else. So my “break” before radiation begins will be busy it sounds like. Once I start, I will have daily treatments Monday through Friday for 6 ½ weeks. 25 rounds to my upper right quadrant and the last 8 rounds are “boosts” to the surgery sites. I am praying for nominal side affects to radiation. The doctor says everyone is different, but did say if they didn’t make my skin pink they feel they aren’t doing their job correctly. So I expect some burning to take place. I am just hoping that we can keep it down to just “pink” and not the sunburn that my skin is so used to getting when exposed to rays. My pale white skin doesn’t like sunrays much.

I keep wondering and asking the Lord to tell me why He’s allowed me to have to go though breast cancer and the treatments that seem to be so hard on my body. I don’t have that clear blueprint I am wanting, but His word still comes back to me in Jeremiah 29: 11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 12 “Then you will call upon Me and pray to Me and I will listen to you.” 13 “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

Verse 11 was Linda’s favorite scripture and Dan and Linda’s pastor expounded on vs. 11 during Linda’s memorial service. I wish I had a tape of his topic it was so good. But God has brought it to my mind over and over again during this entire journey. There is so much to these words. He knows the plans He has for us, for me. I have to trust that plan until He decides to share parts of it with me. But in vs. 12 and 13 God always gives us the other end of the bargain, our part. We are to call upon Him, talk to Him, ...conversations take place here. He listens. Then another promise: “We will find Him when we look for Him with all our hearts. “ This relationship cannot be religious, cannot be half hearted. It has to be with all of our heart. If we approach our relationship with God the way many of us do with our spouses, it just won’t cut it. We have to be more honest and open with God than we allow ourselves to be with our spouses, way more for some of us. We fear retribution or vulnerability when we let down our guards with our spouse. Words shared can be used against us; we don’t dare open up too far. It can’t be so with God. His word says “You will find Me when you seek me with all your heart.” We only get from God what we allow Him to get from us. When we hide, we cannot see God. It’s only when we are more real than we believe we can be that God will reveal Himself to us in like measure.

I don’t have any answers here, just bits and pieces of what God is allowing me to see, allowing me to grow with if I take it to heart. I know I’ve not gone on to share all of my heart with Him. I still cling to what I think He doesn’t know. He knows, He’s just waiting to have that conversation with me, when I can trust Him enough to share it.

What should I fear from God? He promises not to harm me but to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future. What part of this is scary?? My part, letting go, trusting God, letting go of MY control. Trusting someone to not use what is said between us to hurt me. Trusting someone at their word, trusting that someone really is looking out for me, besides me. Sin is the culprit for the human reaction to love, mistrust. God never intended it to be that way. God is calling us to as close to a perfect relationship we can experience here on earth, to trust Him. It’s really hard, but I want that. Don’t you? And in that, I believe God can help us in our earthly relationships too. As we draw closer to God we draw closer to his creation, our spouses, our church members, uniting us to do the will of God without fear of failure or the response to that failure. Imagine having the confidence to go out and do what God has asked us to and not being afraid of failure or the reaction to possible failure. So many times we don’t even get started doing what God has asked us to do, because of our fear of failure. I know I can’t count how many times I’ve stopped or not even started something because I didn’t want to screw it up. We all do that.

Read it again. Jeremiah 29: 11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 12 “Then you will call upon Me and pray to Me and I will listen to you.” 13 “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”

Father God, help me to open up with all my heart and to seek You, trust You, love You, without any fear. I want to know the plans You have for me. I want to have a hope and a future in You. I don’t want to waste this journey of breast cancer or the impact on the lives of the people You have brought into my life through it. Help me to let go of myself, my control and to open up to You like I never have. I want to know you more.


  1. Mindy,

    I just finished reading your latest blog, and I just wanted to say thanks. I needed to hear every bit of that. I struggle with trusting and lettting go of things to know God better. I love that verse from Jeremiah...I guess I have never looked at it from the eyes of one who is suffering from an illness. I have only seen it from my viewpoint..."What is to become of my life?" Since moving home, I have struggled with knowing what to do with my life, and knowing God has a plan for me helps me know things will work out. But to read it as you see it, is a whole new vantage point. One that makes me realize I need to strive to know Jesus more intimately. I am so glad you are done with Chemo. I hope this radiation will be the last of stuff you have to endure. It is amazing what the human body can take. I will continue to pray for you through this. Stay strong. God bless!


  2. Mindy,
    Thanks for making me cry! :)
    But thank you most of all for the remembrance of Jer 29:11. I see this verse all over my house yet I too have been struggling with not handing it over completely to Him and trying to figure things out on my own. You think I would have learned better after everything we’ve been through. This week has been the hardest week for me yet and as I look back, I think it’s because I tried to do it on my own. I will have to try very hard to have my daily discussions with my Daddy and allow Him to reveal His plan.
    I am so glad your chemo is over and that you have a little break before going into radiation. I definitely understand the countless doctor visits in between but at least they are not treatments. Your body and mind could use the rest.

  3. You really need to be a writer, because that was beautiful!!! On the other side of cancer, I know that God has used cancer in my life to help so many other women through their journey. To pray with them, pray for them and love them in the name of Jesus. Serving them as He would serve. I love you, sister.

  4. I agree with the comment above that you are an amazing writer. And you are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your heart, and thank you for your honesty. You put in words what it is so many of us feel but never express. Your words have again touched me and reminded me how much more I need to give of myself to God. Thank you for your example. I love you, my friend.

  5. Every word is so true isn't amazing those scriptures can be so timely for all situations. Only God could do that. Laurie

  6. Once again, you are using your struggle to point to God and his promises of provision and hope. I don't think there's any chance that you are "wasting" this journey! You continue to be in my prayers, and thank you for your sharing! Love you! Celia

  7. I have known you since high school and I know what your tender heart is capable of. Your latest blog made my eyes water because I can feel your spirit. Just so you know, I had read your blog but felt the need not to reply right away as it needed prayer.

    You ARE on the right track with our Lord and all you have to do is ... listen. You have many things on your mind and you sometimes worry not for yourself but for all of those around you. That's your tender heart speaking and I know you are looking for a few answers to the many questions you sometimes get yourself wrapped into. I believe you already have the answer. He is in your heart and spirit! You have traveled a long sometimes rough journey and you've managed to continue your quest, trying your best to stay on that long narrow road. You are truly a blessing to all who know you! David KNOWS he has someone really special and because of you, he glows with excitement and love. You've done well Mindy! Very well!
    Nuff said,
    Love me

  8. Psalm 103:3-4
    Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion...

    Love me

  9. Not seeing any activity in your blogs has me worried. I pray you are doing better and that you are just spending the time enjoyng everything life is throwing your direction. You, David, and the family are in our thoughts and prayers daily.
    Love me