My Friend Connie

 This post is about my friend Connie.  Connie recently celebrated being cancer free for 6 years.  Like me, Connie had breast cancer.  When I was going through my treatments, Connie sent me cards almost every week encouraging me to keep my eyes on Christ. She gave me a painted block of wood that simply said "Trust in the Lord". I still have that on my dresser. She was helpful to me explaining what to expect during the treatments and what type of side effects I could expect. She even gave me a book called "Just Get Me Through It" which was very helpful. Having already gone through breast cancer treatments, she was able to recommend lotions and even shampoos for my bald head that had helped her during her treatments.

There were times when I was having "good days" that she would pick me up and take me to lunch, or we would go to the theater and watch a movie. She was there for me when I needed someone to just to understand what I was going through.

The picture below was this past September, 2010 at the Wolstein Center in Cleveland for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. Connie encouraged me to join the race and I'm so glad she did. She literally took me by the hand and showed me around. We had a good time at the race. 

Later that day Connie learned that her brother passed away. I felt useless as she sat in my driveway processing the news, but I was glad I was with her and was able to lend her my shoulder to cry on.

 Shortly after I began my chemotherapy treatments, Jenn threw me a "hat and scarf party". I had pictures taken with every guest and had them wear the hat or scarf they gifted me with. Below Connie is sporting the black bowler hat she gave me. She also gave me a scarf that she had obtained at a another Race for the Cure walk she had attended.

Connie has been a good and supportive friend.  Now I will be returning the favor of being supportive as she has just found out that her cancer is back. Connie is scheduled to have a mastectomy January 11th.   Please join me in prayer for Connie as she is about to begin a fresh journey through breast cancer.  I will continue to update you as she allows me to when new details present themselves.  For now, please pray for peace for her and her husband, and for wisdom for the doctors to make the right decisions on her behalf.

I love you Connie. Trust in the Lord

Fears

I had a check up with my Oncologist last Monday Oct. 11th and before I left we set up my next PET scan for December 17th at Hillcrest Hospital. The last PET scan in June had low result numbers which my doctor attributed to inflammation from radiation. It had only been five months from the time of my last radiation treatment until that PET scan. (No numbers is the goal). I wasn't happy about seeing numbers but tried to rest in the fact that the doctor thought it was from radiation still.

I have been experiencing discomfort on my right side for quite some time now. Under my right arm is tender to the point of feeling sore, often. The doctor said as nerves heal they can sometimes cause pain. I have to admit, I have allowed myself to entertain the thought that there might be more cancer, and at those times I fear. It doesn’t even matter what I fear, just the fact that I fear means I’ve gotten my eyes off of God and on my circumstances. Cancer or no cancer, I have to take God at His word. I either believe Him or I don’t. I choose to believe Him.

Father God, you know my innermost thoughts. You know all my doubts and fears. I lay my burden of fear at your feet and entrust my future to your care. You have promised to watch over me now and forever. Psalms 121: 7-8 says “The Lord will protect you and keep you safe from all dangers. The Lord will protect you now and always wherever you go.” (CEV). Help me to rest in You, Lord. To trust in Your power and Your promises.

Jeremiah 29:11 once again speaks to me when it says “I will bless you with a future filled with hope – a future of success, not of suffering.” (CEV) . Father you tell us that all things work together for good for those who love You and are called according to Your purposes. We may not understand why we are going through these trials as we travel them, but I will trust that You are using these times to produce good fruit in my life and the lives of those walking this path with me. I am thankful that I can rest secure in the fact that You are faithful.

I thank You for Your healing and for giving me the peace that passes all human understanding. That peace will guard my heart and mind from the attacks of the one who tries to destroy me. I praise you for blessing me and my family with your overflowing goodness. Amen.

Caution! Serious Pondering Ahead.

With my next chemo cycle quickly approaching, I have been thinking about how God answers prayers. Some prayers have been answered just as we have asked them to be, as in the evidence of the lack of nasty side affects for me, especially during this past cycle. Other prayers are being answered but not in the way we hope for. It's during these times I question my trust in God. I have friends that are faced with job loss, I have family and friends in the midst of serious illnesses some of which are curable, some are not. I have asked God, "How can this bring glory to you?" I don't have the answer but I realize this is where I have to trust God to do what is best. I have to keep in mind that God sees the big picture, where I am selfish and only want what is best for me and mine.

I have read about martyrs in the past and present who have been willing to sacrifice their own personal safety and lives in order to carry out the "big picture" for God. I admire them... from afar. I've never been in a position of being threatened with my life or being beaten and demanded to deny my faith in God or to stop telling others about God. These people have great faith that God has placed them in that exact position for a purpose. I have wondered if I were in that position, would I crumble and do what my captors were demanding of me? Could I trust God that He had placed me in that position to do His will and would I be brave enough to carry it out regardless of the known outcome?

I ask God "Why isn't that person being healed?" or "Why is this other person being put through a job loss and financial hardships?" These people believe in God. In my selfish world, God makes us comfortable, He heals us, makes sure we have enough money...right? Instead of wondering why God isn't doing "good things" for us, I should be wondering what it is I can do for God. Is there a reason why I have to go through breast cancer, or a reason my friend may loose their job, or someone else their life? Are we making the most of the hardships God is allowing by sacrificing our desires to be healed or be financially stable in order to be a part of the bigger picture? It's hard to think that way especially when we don't understand how our circumstances could possibly help God's plan? Are we willing to sacrifice our life for God? If we're honest, most of us would say "No!" It's uncomfortable to think about, yet think about it I do.

I must admit, I've gotten angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I want them answered. I do not understand why He allows certain things to happen. After I've thrown my temper tantrum, God always restores peace to me. Not answers, but peace in the fact that He does love us and like any good parent, only gives us what we can handle. I am always left with the reality that it's not about me (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true), but it's about God and reaching those who have not yet seen the need for a relationship with Him. Reaching those who have not come to the realization that we fail miserably as humans yet God loves us anyway and wants us to have purpose on earth, and to live out eternity in the greatest love that we have yet to experience.

There is a song that I sing that contain the words below;

Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.

Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.

I want to be filled and used by God, but I have to learn to trust God during the melting and molding stage that what He is doing, as painful as it may be, is for the best. How can we become willing vessels to be used by God if we aren't willing to be shaped into the vessel He needs us to be? Is someone watching me as I go through this hardship and if they are, are they seeing God, or seeing me whine and complain? Am I able to set aside my selfish desires long enough to be used to show God's love to someone else?

God speaks to us in the bible to trust Him:

2 Samuel 7:28 O Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.

Ps 4:5 Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord.

Ps 9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

PS 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped...

Ps 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:

Ps 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

There are many, many more scriptures that speak about trusting God, but for tonight, Psalm 84:12 speaks volumes " O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Oh Lord, I want to be that woman who is blessed for trusting you. Forgive me for making it about me. Forgive me for not trusting that You have all the answers and that you will reveal them to me only when I can handle it. Forgive me for thinking that my life should be perfect when there are so many lives in this world that are not. Father make me the vessel You need me to be, then fill me and use me as You see fit. Help me to not complain during the melting and molding process. Use me Father to reach someone else who needs to see You as a loving God and come into a personal relationship with you. Amen