My final chemo session has been administered. As I posted on Facebook, after waiting for blood counts and approval from the doctor for an agonizing 30+ minutes on Tuesday the 13th, (closer to 45 minutes) the doctor finally approved my final chemo session. Chemo is done! My anemia is still in effect, and the iron shots have not quite kicked in yet, so fatigue is a constant battle. Radiation will not help matters as the rays will continue to take my red blood counts down and keep the anemia going. The cancer center will continue to give me iron injections until my counts reach 10 points. If they reach 8, I was told a blood transfusion takes place. The lowest I’ve been is 9.3. Lets pray my counts remain above 8. They were 9.6 on Tuesday but then chemo will take them lower again before they begin to rise.
I don’t have a radiation schedule as of yet, but have been told it will be about a month after chemo is done, so I am expecting early to mid November before radiation begins. Before I start actual treatments, I will have examinations, pictures taken for precise line up, tatoo’s to “mark the spot” for the same line up each time and who knows what else. So my “break” before radiation begins will be busy it sounds like. Once I start, I will have daily treatments Monday through Friday for 6 ½ weeks. 25 rounds to my upper right quadrant and the last 8 rounds are “boosts” to the surgery sites. I am praying for nominal side affects to radiation. The doctor says everyone is different, but did say if they didn’t make my skin pink they feel they aren’t doing their job correctly. So I expect some burning to take place. I am just hoping that we can keep it down to just “pink” and not the sunburn that my skin is so used to getting when exposed to rays. My pale white skin doesn’t like sunrays much.
I keep wondering and asking the Lord to tell me why He’s allowed me to have to go though breast cancer and the treatments that seem to be so hard on my body. I don’t have that clear blueprint I am wanting, but His word still comes back to me in Jeremiah 29: 11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 12 “Then you will call upon Me and pray to Me and I will listen to you.” 13 “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”
Verse 11 was Linda’s favorite scripture and Dan and Linda’s pastor expounded on vs. 11 during Linda’s memorial service. I wish I had a tape of his topic it was so good. But God has brought it to my mind over and over again during this entire journey. There is so much to these words. He knows the plans He has for us, for me. I have to trust that plan until He decides to share parts of it with me. But in vs. 12 and 13 God always gives us the other end of the bargain, our part. We are to call upon Him, talk to Him, ...conversations take place here. He listens. Then another promise: “We will find Him when we look for Him with all our hearts. “ This relationship cannot be religious, cannot be half hearted. It has to be with all of our heart. If we approach our relationship with God the way many of us do with our spouses, it just won’t cut it. We have to be more honest and open with God than we allow ourselves to be with our spouses, way more for some of us. We fear retribution or vulnerability when we let down our guards with our spouse. Words shared can be used against us; we don’t dare open up too far. It can’t be so with God. His word says “You will find Me when you seek me with all your heart.” We only get from God what we allow Him to get from us. When we hide, we cannot see God. It’s only when we are more real than we believe we can be that God will reveal Himself to us in like measure.
I don’t have any answers here, just bits and pieces of what God is allowing me to see, allowing me to grow with if I take it to heart. I know I’ve not gone on to share all of my heart with Him. I still cling to what I think He doesn’t know. He knows, He’s just waiting to have that conversation with me, when I can trust Him enough to share it.
What should I fear from God? He promises not to harm me but to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future. What part of this is scary?? My part, letting go, trusting God, letting go of MY control. Trusting someone to not use what is said between us to hurt me. Trusting someone at their word, trusting that someone really is looking out for me, besides me. Sin is the culprit for the human reaction to love, mistrust. God never intended it to be that way. God is calling us to as close to a perfect relationship we can experience here on earth, to trust Him. It’s really hard, but I want that. Don’t you? And in that, I believe God can help us in our earthly relationships too. As we draw closer to God we draw closer to his creation, our spouses, our church members, uniting us to do the will of God without fear of failure or the response to that failure. Imagine having the confidence to go out and do what God has asked us to and not being afraid of failure or the reaction to possible failure. So many times we don’t even get started doing what God has asked us to do, because of our fear of failure. I know I can’t count how many times I’ve stopped or not even started something because I didn’t want to screw it up. We all do that.
Read it again. Jeremiah 29: 11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 12 “Then you will call upon Me and pray to Me and I will listen to you.” 13 “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”
Father God, help me to open up with all my heart and to seek You, trust You, love You, without any fear. I want to know the plans You have for me. I want to have a hope and a future in You. I don’t want to waste this journey of breast cancer or the impact on the lives of the people You have brought into my life through it. Help me to let go of myself, my control and to open up to You like I never have. I want to know you more.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Rest
It is with deep sorrow and yet peace of heart that I must tell you that Linda passed on to heaven yesterday morning. Please take a moment to read the Caring Bridge update that Dan posted yesterday as it speaks so beautifully to who Linda really was. She wasn't just a cancer patient, she was so much more and her message will continue to inspire all of us. Linda truly was one tough chick. She never stopped loving our God and never stopped encouraging others to do the same. Please click http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/onetoughchick to read Dan's posting.
Dave's Uncle Chuck was also very recently diagnosed with brain cancer and sometime Friday night passed away. His battle was brief. He will be missed. Please pray for Chuck's wife and family as they mourn his passing.
Needless to say, this has been one very trying year. And now, Dave and I are reeling from yesterday's events as we try to prepare for what to do next. This last round of chemo has left me weak and I've battled fevers and chills. I believe God has allowed my fever to break in order to make arrangements to pay our respects in person to our extended family. Please pray for wise decisions and God's strength in us in the face of adversity, so that we may be a witness to those around us.
Dave's Uncle Chuck was also very recently diagnosed with brain cancer and sometime Friday night passed away. His battle was brief. He will be missed. Please pray for Chuck's wife and family as they mourn his passing.
Needless to say, this has been one very trying year. And now, Dave and I are reeling from yesterday's events as we try to prepare for what to do next. This last round of chemo has left me weak and I've battled fevers and chills. I believe God has allowed my fever to break in order to make arrangements to pay our respects in person to our extended family. Please pray for wise decisions and God's strength in us in the face of adversity, so that we may be a witness to those around us.
Monday, September 14, 2009
4 Down, 2 to Go!
I had my 4th chemo cycle August 31st. I wasn't as fortunate as last time with the side affects, but God has still been with me. I did not have the need to take any sleep aids and have taken very few anti-nausea pills this time. However, my blood counts have taken me to new lows and I am now anemic. This results in low energy levels and having to watch when I stand up too quickly, bend over, turn my head...... The first week and a half after this treatment, passing out or almost passing out was a bit too common. I think I'm over that part for now.
My birthday was just a few days after this last cycle and Dave wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate. Not that I felt much like celebrating, but I did want to get out of the house and have a nice meal. Jenn blessed us by joining us. As I was walking out to the car, yet another episode of "Brought to you by Chemotherapy" moment occurred when I almost passed out again. Once that moment passed, Dave asked if we should continue and yes, by golly, I was going!! We arrived at Main Street Cafe on the square in Medina and ordered our meals. When our food arrived, it looked and smelled so good... but lo and behold my taste buds failed me. I could barely taste the food, and the little bit I could taste was tainted by chemotherapy mouth. I have experienced odd (downright nasty) tastes to no taste at all for the past 2-3 cycles and was really hoping that it wasn't going to happen this time, but it did. And on my birthday. How dare it! The good news is, I regain most of my taste before each new sessions, albeit, slightly tainted, but I've learned to deal with it.
Now we are down to 2 more cycles!! My next cycle is Sept. 22nd. I will really begin the countdown then!! My last cycle will be sometime mid October and I should begin to finally start feeling better about 2 weeks after that. During this "time off" I begin meeting with the radiation oncologist for education, molds and pictures.
Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers during this long drawn out process. The end is in site for chemotherapy!! I will continue to keep you updated. Thanks for sticking in there with me.
My birthday was just a few days after this last cycle and Dave wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate. Not that I felt much like celebrating, but I did want to get out of the house and have a nice meal. Jenn blessed us by joining us. As I was walking out to the car, yet another episode of "Brought to you by Chemotherapy" moment occurred when I almost passed out again. Once that moment passed, Dave asked if we should continue and yes, by golly, I was going!! We arrived at Main Street Cafe on the square in Medina and ordered our meals. When our food arrived, it looked and smelled so good... but lo and behold my taste buds failed me. I could barely taste the food, and the little bit I could taste was tainted by chemotherapy mouth. I have experienced odd (downright nasty) tastes to no taste at all for the past 2-3 cycles and was really hoping that it wasn't going to happen this time, but it did. And on my birthday. How dare it! The good news is, I regain most of my taste before each new sessions, albeit, slightly tainted, but I've learned to deal with it.
Now we are down to 2 more cycles!! My next cycle is Sept. 22nd. I will really begin the countdown then!! My last cycle will be sometime mid October and I should begin to finally start feeling better about 2 weeks after that. During this "time off" I begin meeting with the radiation oncologist for education, molds and pictures.
Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers during this long drawn out process. The end is in site for chemotherapy!! I will continue to keep you updated. Thanks for sticking in there with me.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Round 3
Round 3 of chemotherapy was completed on August 10th. That means I am halfway through!
This cycle began with a visit with the oncologist. Dave dropped Jenn and I off at the cancer center as he had a meeting at another hospital. He assumed he would be back in time for the actual chemo treatment. Jenn and I waited for Dr. Coffman to come into the room for awhile. When he finally made it in, he performed his exam, asking questions about how I reacted to the last treatment and assuring himself that my side affects weren't extreme. He listened to my heart and belly sounds and was satisfied that I was healthy enough to take on the next round of chemo. When we left the examination room, the nurse told me to pick a chair and they would be with me soon.
After waiting about an hour, a nurse that was not mine that day, took my blood pressure and temperature and accessed my port for blood. Normally, this part is no big deal. That day I felt the full wrath of the port needle as it pierced my skin. I had applied the Lydocaine to my port right before leaving the house, as always, however the Lydocaine had been on for over 2 hours since leaving the house and had lost it's potency. Ouch! Once that nurse had finished, Jenn and I waited for about another half an hour before my nurse, Rhonda, finally came to begin administering my pre-meds. I had texted Dave and told him not to rush as I had not even started my pre-meds yet, but he arrived shortly after she began administering them. Once my nurse hung the first drug of Taxotere, I told Dave and Jenn to go get some lunch as that would take about an hour to infuse. I didn't want them sitting there watching me while their bellies were growling. Thankfully they complied and left to grab some Thai food just down the road.
By the time Dave and Jenn came back from lunch the second batch of meds had just begun being administered. Dave took several phone calls that day and spent almost the entire time outside on the phone. Jenn brought a book and read. Other than our rocky beginning, the rest was uneventful.
Each cycle has been different for me and this one was no exception. I had the normal queasiness (the drugs they give me to take at home work really well against this nasty side affect), however nothing else about this cycle was normal! But this is a good thing!! I never once lost my energy during this cycle!! I kept waiting for the ball to drop, so to speak, but it never did. I praise God for answering prayer. The last cycle was horrible to my energy level to the point where it was hard to get out of bed. I laid around most days not even having mental energy to want to do anything. I know many of you prayed for me and God was generous in His mercy! Thank you for your prayers.
My next treatment is August 31st then after that one I only have 2 more left!! Thank you all for your prayers, encouraging words, texts, phone calls and cards. You have given me the encouragement to keep on keeping on!
This cycle began with a visit with the oncologist. Dave dropped Jenn and I off at the cancer center as he had a meeting at another hospital. He assumed he would be back in time for the actual chemo treatment. Jenn and I waited for Dr. Coffman to come into the room for awhile. When he finally made it in, he performed his exam, asking questions about how I reacted to the last treatment and assuring himself that my side affects weren't extreme. He listened to my heart and belly sounds and was satisfied that I was healthy enough to take on the next round of chemo. When we left the examination room, the nurse told me to pick a chair and they would be with me soon.
After waiting about an hour, a nurse that was not mine that day, took my blood pressure and temperature and accessed my port for blood. Normally, this part is no big deal. That day I felt the full wrath of the port needle as it pierced my skin. I had applied the Lydocaine to my port right before leaving the house, as always, however the Lydocaine had been on for over 2 hours since leaving the house and had lost it's potency. Ouch! Once that nurse had finished, Jenn and I waited for about another half an hour before my nurse, Rhonda, finally came to begin administering my pre-meds. I had texted Dave and told him not to rush as I had not even started my pre-meds yet, but he arrived shortly after she began administering them. Once my nurse hung the first drug of Taxotere, I told Dave and Jenn to go get some lunch as that would take about an hour to infuse. I didn't want them sitting there watching me while their bellies were growling. Thankfully they complied and left to grab some Thai food just down the road.
By the time Dave and Jenn came back from lunch the second batch of meds had just begun being administered. Dave took several phone calls that day and spent almost the entire time outside on the phone. Jenn brought a book and read. Other than our rocky beginning, the rest was uneventful.
Each cycle has been different for me and this one was no exception. I had the normal queasiness (the drugs they give me to take at home work really well against this nasty side affect), however nothing else about this cycle was normal! But this is a good thing!! I never once lost my energy during this cycle!! I kept waiting for the ball to drop, so to speak, but it never did. I praise God for answering prayer. The last cycle was horrible to my energy level to the point where it was hard to get out of bed. I laid around most days not even having mental energy to want to do anything. I know many of you prayed for me and God was generous in His mercy! Thank you for your prayers.
My next treatment is August 31st then after that one I only have 2 more left!! Thank you all for your prayers, encouraging words, texts, phone calls and cards. You have given me the encouragement to keep on keeping on!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Caution! Serious Pondering Ahead.
With my next chemo cycle quickly approaching, I have been thinking about how God answers prayers. Some prayers have been answered just as we have asked them to be, as in the evidence of the lack of nasty side affects for me, especially during this past cycle. Other prayers are being answered but not in the way we hope for. It's during these times I question my trust in God. I have friends that are faced with job loss, I have family and friends in the midst of serious illnesses some of which are curable, some are not. I have asked God, "How can this bring glory to you?" I don't have the answer but I realize this is where I have to trust God to do what is best. I have to keep in mind that God sees the big picture, where I am selfish and only want what is best for me and mine.
I have read about martyrs in the past and present who have been willing to sacrifice their own personal safety and lives in order to carry out the "big picture" for God. I admire them... from afar. I've never been in a position of being threatened with my life or being beaten and demanded to deny my faith in God or to stop telling others about God. These people have great faith that God has placed them in that exact position for a purpose. I have wondered if I were in that position, would I crumble and do what my captors were demanding of me? Could I trust God that He had placed me in that position to do His will and would I be brave enough to carry it out regardless of the known outcome?
I ask God "Why isn't that person being healed?" or "Why is this other person being put through a job loss and financial hardships?" These people believe in God. In my selfish world, God makes us comfortable, He heals us, makes sure we have enough money...right? Instead of wondering why God isn't doing "good things" for us, I should be wondering what it is I can do for God. Is there a reason why I have to go through breast cancer, or a reason my friend may loose their job, or someone else their life? Are we making the most of the hardships God is allowing by sacrificing our desires to be healed or be financially stable in order to be a part of the bigger picture? It's hard to think that way especially when we don't understand how our circumstances could possibly help God's plan? Are we willing to sacrifice our life for God? If we're honest, most of us would say "No!" It's uncomfortable to think about, yet think about it I do.
I must admit, I've gotten angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I want them answered. I do not understand why He allows certain things to happen. After I've thrown my temper tantrum, God always restores peace to me. Not answers, but peace in the fact that He does love us and like any good parent, only gives us what we can handle. I am always left with the reality that it's not about me (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true), but it's about God and reaching those who have not yet seen the need for a relationship with Him. Reaching those who have not come to the realization that we fail miserably as humans yet God loves us anyway and wants us to have purpose on earth, and to live out eternity in the greatest love that we have yet to experience.
There is a song that I sing that contain the words below;
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.
I want to be filled and used by God, but I have to learn to trust God during the melting and molding stage that what He is doing, as painful as it may be, is for the best. How can we become willing vessels to be used by God if we aren't willing to be shaped into the vessel He needs us to be? Is someone watching me as I go through this hardship and if they are, are they seeing God, or seeing me whine and complain? Am I able to set aside my selfish desires long enough to be used to show God's love to someone else?
God speaks to us in the bible to trust Him:
2 Samuel 7:28 O Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.
Ps 4:5 Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord.
Ps 9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
PS 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped...
Ps 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
Ps 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
There are many, many more scriptures that speak about trusting God, but for tonight, Psalm 84:12 speaks volumes " O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."
Oh Lord, I want to be that woman who is blessed for trusting you. Forgive me for making it about me. Forgive me for not trusting that You have all the answers and that you will reveal them to me only when I can handle it. Forgive me for thinking that my life should be perfect when there are so many lives in this world that are not. Father make me the vessel You need me to be, then fill me and use me as You see fit. Help me to not complain during the melting and molding process. Use me Father to reach someone else who needs to see You as a loving God and come into a personal relationship with you. Amen
I have read about martyrs in the past and present who have been willing to sacrifice their own personal safety and lives in order to carry out the "big picture" for God. I admire them... from afar. I've never been in a position of being threatened with my life or being beaten and demanded to deny my faith in God or to stop telling others about God. These people have great faith that God has placed them in that exact position for a purpose. I have wondered if I were in that position, would I crumble and do what my captors were demanding of me? Could I trust God that He had placed me in that position to do His will and would I be brave enough to carry it out regardless of the known outcome?
I ask God "Why isn't that person being healed?" or "Why is this other person being put through a job loss and financial hardships?" These people believe in God. In my selfish world, God makes us comfortable, He heals us, makes sure we have enough money...right? Instead of wondering why God isn't doing "good things" for us, I should be wondering what it is I can do for God. Is there a reason why I have to go through breast cancer, or a reason my friend may loose their job, or someone else their life? Are we making the most of the hardships God is allowing by sacrificing our desires to be healed or be financially stable in order to be a part of the bigger picture? It's hard to think that way especially when we don't understand how our circumstances could possibly help God's plan? Are we willing to sacrifice our life for God? If we're honest, most of us would say "No!" It's uncomfortable to think about, yet think about it I do.
I must admit, I've gotten angry at God for not answering my prayers the way I want them answered. I do not understand why He allows certain things to happen. After I've thrown my temper tantrum, God always restores peace to me. Not answers, but peace in the fact that He does love us and like any good parent, only gives us what we can handle. I am always left with the reality that it's not about me (I know it's hard to believe, but it's true), but it's about God and reaching those who have not yet seen the need for a relationship with Him. Reaching those who have not come to the realization that we fail miserably as humans yet God loves us anyway and wants us to have purpose on earth, and to live out eternity in the greatest love that we have yet to experience.
There is a song that I sing that contain the words below;
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me.
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.
I want to be filled and used by God, but I have to learn to trust God during the melting and molding stage that what He is doing, as painful as it may be, is for the best. How can we become willing vessels to be used by God if we aren't willing to be shaped into the vessel He needs us to be? Is someone watching me as I go through this hardship and if they are, are they seeing God, or seeing me whine and complain? Am I able to set aside my selfish desires long enough to be used to show God's love to someone else?
God speaks to us in the bible to trust Him:
2 Samuel 7:28 O Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.
Ps 4:5 Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord.
Ps 9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
PS 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped...
Ps 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
Ps 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
There are many, many more scriptures that speak about trusting God, but for tonight, Psalm 84:12 speaks volumes " O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."
Oh Lord, I want to be that woman who is blessed for trusting you. Forgive me for making it about me. Forgive me for not trusting that You have all the answers and that you will reveal them to me only when I can handle it. Forgive me for thinking that my life should be perfect when there are so many lives in this world that are not. Father make me the vessel You need me to be, then fill me and use me as You see fit. Help me to not complain during the melting and molding process. Use me Father to reach someone else who needs to see You as a loving God and come into a personal relationship with you. Amen
Monday, July 27, 2009
Ok! Ok! So I stretched it a little......
My apologies for those of you who have talked to me lately and aren't convinced my blog is accurate. Right after I posted the last blog, fatigue kicked in pretty heavily. My energy level took a nose dive and I have been pretty much a couch potato since then. I really didn't mean to sugar coat what is going on with me, but do know that Dave and Jenn are taking very good care of me, making sure I eat and don't over exhaust myself. Please rest assure, even if I had the energy to over do, I wouldn't be allowed.
Thank you for all your concerns. I will get some energy back before the next round of chemo (scheduled Aug. 10Th). Until then, keep those prayers lifted high! I love you all.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Another One Bites the Dust (boom, boom)
I had to choose this title this time. This song was playing in Jenny's and my head as we left the cancer center this week. Round #2 is now done. Thanks to all of you for praying. God was definitely with me this week.
The accessing of my port was relatively painless thanks to some awesome Lidocaine and nurse Barb. There were also no nasty allergic reactions to the medicine this time. We arrived at 10:30 and was out by 2:30, much better than the 7 hour stay the first time. They added to my pre-meds to combat any reactions which included quite a dose of benedryl so that made my head feel really weird and I just wanted to sleep. However, just like when I'm on a plane with lots of people around me, I couldn't sleep during chemo either. I really wanted to, but too much going on around me kept my eyes coming open. Jenn brought a book to read this time and Dave kept busy reading papers and working on his Treo.
The after affects aren't quite as bad this time either. So far the nausea has been minimal, and the fatigue doesn't seem to be as energy zapping as it was the last time. I feel more sleepy rather than drained this time...if that makes any sense. Either way, I'll take it over the first go round.
Jenn threw me a scarf party the Saturday before my chemo session, so that helped to alleviate the fear and anxiety I had been feeling toward my next round. Many ladies showed up and a few sent gifts who couldn't physically attend. We all had a really good time. If you facebook, you can see all the pictures posted there. I will try to post more on my other blog, The Howell Blessings.
Again, I cannot say thank you enough for all the prayers I know you are praying. I do feel them and appreciate them mightly.
I will leave you with a scripture that one of the ladies from the Pink Chain Gang sent me. Psalms 103:17-18 (CEV) The Lord is always kind to those who worship Him. And He keeps His promises to their decendants who faithfully obey Him. Thank you all for obeying Him.
Love, Mindy
Connie (a breast cancer survivor) and me at my Scarf Party
The accessing of my port was relatively painless thanks to some awesome Lidocaine and nurse Barb. There were also no nasty allergic reactions to the medicine this time. We arrived at 10:30 and was out by 2:30, much better than the 7 hour stay the first time. They added to my pre-meds to combat any reactions which included quite a dose of benedryl so that made my head feel really weird and I just wanted to sleep. However, just like when I'm on a plane with lots of people around me, I couldn't sleep during chemo either. I really wanted to, but too much going on around me kept my eyes coming open. Jenn brought a book to read this time and Dave kept busy reading papers and working on his Treo.
The after affects aren't quite as bad this time either. So far the nausea has been minimal, and the fatigue doesn't seem to be as energy zapping as it was the last time. I feel more sleepy rather than drained this time...if that makes any sense. Either way, I'll take it over the first go round.
Jenn threw me a scarf party the Saturday before my chemo session, so that helped to alleviate the fear and anxiety I had been feeling toward my next round. Many ladies showed up and a few sent gifts who couldn't physically attend. We all had a really good time. If you facebook, you can see all the pictures posted there. I will try to post more on my other blog, The Howell Blessings.
Again, I cannot say thank you enough for all the prayers I know you are praying. I do feel them and appreciate them mightly.
I will leave you with a scripture that one of the ladies from the Pink Chain Gang sent me. Psalms 103:17-18 (CEV) The Lord is always kind to those who worship Him. And He keeps His promises to their decendants who faithfully obey Him. Thank you all for obeying Him.
Love, Mindy
Connie (a breast cancer survivor) and me at my Scarf Party
Saturday, July 11, 2009
He Restores My Soul
First off, my apologies for not updating sooner. I know many of you depend on this blog to keep updated on my progress. I will try to be more dilligent in timely updates.
Since my last posting ( June 24th, MUGA scan), much has happened. July 1st was my first chemotherapy cycle (Cycle is what they call it, although I refer to it as a treatment). We arrived at the oncologist office at 8:15 in the morning and left at 3:15 that afternoon. It was a very long, tiring day.
When we (Dave, Jenny and I) first arrived, we were taken to a conference room by nurse Barb and, for about an hour, she pumped us full of useful and scary information. She told us about the medicines I would be getting and all the common side affects and how to best handle them. Most of the information I was already aware of by researching on my own, but some of it was news.
After we conferenced, Barb led us to the chair I would be occupying during my treatment and brought chairs for Dave and Jenn to sit on. I had brought my chemo kit that my friend Sue so lovingly provided for me and opened up my new blanket to cover myself with as it was chilly in the office. Barb started an IV in my left arm and began administering my "pre-meds" to help combat different side affects such as nausea and allergic reactions. After those were finished Barb left to gather my medicines. It was at that time I had a "moment". You know, one of those, "this is really happening and I don't want to be doing it" moments. I have to admit, I felt slightly panicky while waiting on Barb to bring out my doses. I thought I was going to be sick. One of the other nurses, Mari Kay, asked me if I was ok. She must have noticed that flight risk look in my face. I told her I thought I was going to be sick and she brought me a bucket and some saltines and reassured me that this reaction is common and real. It's called "anticipatory anxiety". "Anticipatory anxiety is the physical symptoms of increased heart rate, increased pulse, shallow rapid breathing and increased tension which can cause upset stomachs and headaches and perhaps increased sweatiness, all of which arise when thinking about an upcoming event." (Ezine Articles) Thankfully that moment of nausea passed, although I'm not sure if the feeling of "I don't want to be here" ever did.
When Barb left me, she entered the pharmacy room, which was directly across from my chair. She donned a gown and gloves which raised my anxietes slightly as I realized it was because she was about to handle my drugs and was protecting herself against the dangers of handling them. After checking and re-checking the drugs and doses with the dispensing nurse, she brought them out to my chair table and laid them out. First she administered the Adriamycin. This red liquid has the most potential for making me lose my hair, get mouth sores, ruin my heart and destroy my veins. Oh yeah, it's pretty wicked on cancer cells too. This particular drug is administered through an IV push. During this time Barb was standing directly beside me, slowly pushing the Adriamycin into the IV tube. While she did this I sucked on a Popsicle (also provided by Sue) as this has been shown to help prevent mouth sores.
Next came Taxotere. Barb warned me that if I feel ANY difference in the way I was feeling right at that moment to let her know. She said that this particular drug has a tendency to cause allergic reactions, so if I was going to react to anything it'd be this one. I was good for about 10 or 15 minutes. Mari Kay had just asked me if I was doing ok and I answered yes, then all of a sudden my face felt like all the blood had rushed out of it and my heart started pounding hard. I called out for Barb, who was in the pharmacy room and by the time she stepped out to me, I was beginning to feel heavy in my chest, like someone was pushing on me. Immediately Barb and Mari Kay pushed my chair back, stopped the drip and started administering.....benedryl I think, some drug to stop my reaction. By then I was also shaking so Barb ordered another drug to help that which pretty much knocked me out. She stood over me and monitored me for about 20-30 minutes then started the Taxotere drip again, this time more slowly.
The last drug administered was Cytoxin, but by then I was spent and on drugs which made me sleepy so I barely remember Barb switching over to that one. The rest, as they say, is history. I am sure Dave and Jenn were excited to sit by me and watch paint dry, but they stuck it out, bless their hearts. After we came home, I slept much the rest of the day. I remember having a headache and feeling just slightly queasy.
The first six days after chemo were the hardest for me. Thankfully the doctor had given me prescriptions to help combat the side affects. I never once lost my stomach, but felt queasy daily. I could barely make myself eat, but Dave kept reminding me I had to eat to keep my strength up. Fatigue was another side affect that I wasn't expecting. I had no physical or mental strength at all during the first 4-5 days. I felt like a wet washrag, just laying around and not being able to function or think.
I also experienced "chemo brain" during these same rough few days. I had evidently spoken with someone on the phone, written down their name and an appointment for a pre-admission test for a surgical implant of a port. Later when my mind was mine again, I saw on the calendar "1:00 Tuesday Strongsville Surgical Spe" written in my own handwriting, but could NOT remember writing it, what it was for or when I spoke to someone. Thankfully the hospital called on Monday morning to let me know that my port was to be implanted on Thursday and I confirmed with them what Tuesday's appointment was for.
This past Thursday I went in at 1:00 to the hospital to get my port. Adriamycin is extremely rough on veins and, breast cancer patients especially, due to lymph node removal, have limited options to what arm, if any, and veins can be accessed. If, when inserting the IV needle, the needles pokes through and any of the Adriamycin leaks out, Necrosis, or tissue death, can occur. Not that this is common, but it is a risk with this medicine. If that were to occur, among many other issues, I would not have an arm for blood draws, injections or any other type of medicinal procedure in the future. Therefore I got a port to administer my medications through. The port is implanted surgically under the skin just under my collar bone and threaded up through my juggler vein. This access through a larger vein helps dilute the drugs immediately and speeds their access through my system. There is no room for accidental vein sticks when administered this way either, so it is a safer option for me. And I no longer have to endure the painful IV stick every treatment. The Dr. has prescribed a Lydocaine ointment that I will apply over my port area before going in, so the when the port needle is inserted, it's relatively painless.
So now, I am recovering from this surgery and am anxious for it to heal so I can remove this tape which is pulling on my neck and chest. My chest is quite sore, but I have been reassured I will be thankful to have this port. So, I am thankful. Once chemo is all done, it will require more surgery to remove the port. I will be thankful then too, to have it out. Yesterday we visited the oncologists office for a "mid-cycle check-up". This is where the doctor asks me how I handled any side affects and checks me out physically to make sure I am enduring everything ok. Blood is drawn and all counts are monitored. I wasn't expecting it, but Mari Kay accessed my port for the blood work. I'm sure it will be better next time, but accessing a very sore site the day after surgery, was a little traumatic for me. I'll just say it wasn't a pleasant experience for me this time. On the upside, all my blood counts were quite good, so the Nuelasta injection I received the day after chemo was doing it's job. That is making sure my white blood cells are being regenerated.
They say the last week before you go in for your next chemo cycle is your best week. This time it will also be the week I am expecting to loose my hair. However, I am looking forward to having a good week coming up. Jenn and Sue are throwing me a "Scarf Party" on Saturday, so that will give me something positive to look forward to before I go to my next cycle and start this process all over again.
Thank you all for your prayers. I am convinced that God is with me and have felt your prayers. I will leave you with a scripture my sister Laurie sent me in the Complete Jewish rendition which really has administered peace to me this past week or so.
Psalms 23:
Adonai is my shepherd; I lack nothing. He has me lie down in grassy pastures, He leads me by quiet waters, He restores my inner person. He guides me in right paths for the sake of His own name. Even if I pass through death and dark ravines, I will fear no disaster; for You are with me. Your rod and staff reassure me. You prepare a table for me, even as my enemies watch; You anoint my head with oil from an overflowing cup. Goodness and Grace will persue me every day of my life; and I will live in the house of Adonai for years and years to come.
Since my last posting ( June 24th, MUGA scan), much has happened. July 1st was my first chemotherapy cycle (Cycle is what they call it, although I refer to it as a treatment). We arrived at the oncologist office at 8:15 in the morning and left at 3:15 that afternoon. It was a very long, tiring day.
When we (Dave, Jenny and I) first arrived, we were taken to a conference room by nurse Barb and, for about an hour, she pumped us full of useful and scary information. She told us about the medicines I would be getting and all the common side affects and how to best handle them. Most of the information I was already aware of by researching on my own, but some of it was news.
After we conferenced, Barb led us to the chair I would be occupying during my treatment and brought chairs for Dave and Jenn to sit on. I had brought my chemo kit that my friend Sue so lovingly provided for me and opened up my new blanket to cover myself with as it was chilly in the office. Barb started an IV in my left arm and began administering my "pre-meds" to help combat different side affects such as nausea and allergic reactions. After those were finished Barb left to gather my medicines. It was at that time I had a "moment". You know, one of those, "this is really happening and I don't want to be doing it" moments. I have to admit, I felt slightly panicky while waiting on Barb to bring out my doses. I thought I was going to be sick. One of the other nurses, Mari Kay, asked me if I was ok. She must have noticed that flight risk look in my face. I told her I thought I was going to be sick and she brought me a bucket and some saltines and reassured me that this reaction is common and real. It's called "anticipatory anxiety". "Anticipatory anxiety is the physical symptoms of increased heart rate, increased pulse, shallow rapid breathing and increased tension which can cause upset stomachs and headaches and perhaps increased sweatiness, all of which arise when thinking about an upcoming event." (Ezine Articles) Thankfully that moment of nausea passed, although I'm not sure if the feeling of "I don't want to be here" ever did.
When Barb left me, she entered the pharmacy room, which was directly across from my chair. She donned a gown and gloves which raised my anxietes slightly as I realized it was because she was about to handle my drugs and was protecting herself against the dangers of handling them. After checking and re-checking the drugs and doses with the dispensing nurse, she brought them out to my chair table and laid them out. First she administered the Adriamycin. This red liquid has the most potential for making me lose my hair, get mouth sores, ruin my heart and destroy my veins. Oh yeah, it's pretty wicked on cancer cells too. This particular drug is administered through an IV push. During this time Barb was standing directly beside me, slowly pushing the Adriamycin into the IV tube. While she did this I sucked on a Popsicle (also provided by Sue) as this has been shown to help prevent mouth sores.
Next came Taxotere. Barb warned me that if I feel ANY difference in the way I was feeling right at that moment to let her know. She said that this particular drug has a tendency to cause allergic reactions, so if I was going to react to anything it'd be this one. I was good for about 10 or 15 minutes. Mari Kay had just asked me if I was doing ok and I answered yes, then all of a sudden my face felt like all the blood had rushed out of it and my heart started pounding hard. I called out for Barb, who was in the pharmacy room and by the time she stepped out to me, I was beginning to feel heavy in my chest, like someone was pushing on me. Immediately Barb and Mari Kay pushed my chair back, stopped the drip and started administering.....benedryl I think, some drug to stop my reaction. By then I was also shaking so Barb ordered another drug to help that which pretty much knocked me out. She stood over me and monitored me for about 20-30 minutes then started the Taxotere drip again, this time more slowly.
The last drug administered was Cytoxin, but by then I was spent and on drugs which made me sleepy so I barely remember Barb switching over to that one. The rest, as they say, is history. I am sure Dave and Jenn were excited to sit by me and watch paint dry, but they stuck it out, bless their hearts. After we came home, I slept much the rest of the day. I remember having a headache and feeling just slightly queasy.
The first six days after chemo were the hardest for me. Thankfully the doctor had given me prescriptions to help combat the side affects. I never once lost my stomach, but felt queasy daily. I could barely make myself eat, but Dave kept reminding me I had to eat to keep my strength up. Fatigue was another side affect that I wasn't expecting. I had no physical or mental strength at all during the first 4-5 days. I felt like a wet washrag, just laying around and not being able to function or think.
I also experienced "chemo brain" during these same rough few days. I had evidently spoken with someone on the phone, written down their name and an appointment for a pre-admission test for a surgical implant of a port. Later when my mind was mine again, I saw on the calendar "1:00 Tuesday Strongsville Surgical Spe" written in my own handwriting, but could NOT remember writing it, what it was for or when I spoke to someone. Thankfully the hospital called on Monday morning to let me know that my port was to be implanted on Thursday and I confirmed with them what Tuesday's appointment was for.
This past Thursday I went in at 1:00 to the hospital to get my port. Adriamycin is extremely rough on veins and, breast cancer patients especially, due to lymph node removal, have limited options to what arm, if any, and veins can be accessed. If, when inserting the IV needle, the needles pokes through and any of the Adriamycin leaks out, Necrosis, or tissue death, can occur. Not that this is common, but it is a risk with this medicine. If that were to occur, among many other issues, I would not have an arm for blood draws, injections or any other type of medicinal procedure in the future. Therefore I got a port to administer my medications through. The port is implanted surgically under the skin just under my collar bone and threaded up through my juggler vein. This access through a larger vein helps dilute the drugs immediately and speeds their access through my system. There is no room for accidental vein sticks when administered this way either, so it is a safer option for me. And I no longer have to endure the painful IV stick every treatment. The Dr. has prescribed a Lydocaine ointment that I will apply over my port area before going in, so the when the port needle is inserted, it's relatively painless.
So now, I am recovering from this surgery and am anxious for it to heal so I can remove this tape which is pulling on my neck and chest. My chest is quite sore, but I have been reassured I will be thankful to have this port. So, I am thankful. Once chemo is all done, it will require more surgery to remove the port. I will be thankful then too, to have it out. Yesterday we visited the oncologists office for a "mid-cycle check-up". This is where the doctor asks me how I handled any side affects and checks me out physically to make sure I am enduring everything ok. Blood is drawn and all counts are monitored. I wasn't expecting it, but Mari Kay accessed my port for the blood work. I'm sure it will be better next time, but accessing a very sore site the day after surgery, was a little traumatic for me. I'll just say it wasn't a pleasant experience for me this time. On the upside, all my blood counts were quite good, so the Nuelasta injection I received the day after chemo was doing it's job. That is making sure my white blood cells are being regenerated.
They say the last week before you go in for your next chemo cycle is your best week. This time it will also be the week I am expecting to loose my hair. However, I am looking forward to having a good week coming up. Jenn and Sue are throwing me a "Scarf Party" on Saturday, so that will give me something positive to look forward to before I go to my next cycle and start this process all over again.
Thank you all for your prayers. I am convinced that God is with me and have felt your prayers. I will leave you with a scripture my sister Laurie sent me in the Complete Jewish rendition which really has administered peace to me this past week or so.
Psalms 23:
Adonai is my shepherd; I lack nothing. He has me lie down in grassy pastures, He leads me by quiet waters, He restores my inner person. He guides me in right paths for the sake of His own name. Even if I pass through death and dark ravines, I will fear no disaster; for You are with me. Your rod and staff reassure me. You prepare a table for me, even as my enemies watch; You anoint my head with oil from an overflowing cup. Goodness and Grace will persue me every day of my life; and I will live in the house of Adonai for years and years to come.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I Passed!
Well, I have ordered my "cranial prosthesis" and a few head pieces and have now had all the preliminary tests before I begin chemo. Today was the MUGA scan (heart scan) to determine the strength of my heart. My results came back normal. Normal results indicate that the heart squeezing function is .......well.......normal. A normal value is above 55% and mine was above that. I was teasing Jenn that I was disappointed that I didn't get a 100% because I always strive to get A's in school.......I plan to graduate from breast cancer survivor school with honors!
My next step along this journey is my first chemo treatment, one week from today. I plan to celebrate after each treatment is over, marking each one off with joy as it moves me closer to being finished. If you're so inclined......celebrate with me!!
Thanks again for your continued prayers as I begin chemo soon. I am praying for minimal side affects and no complications.
My next step along this journey is my first chemo treatment, one week from today. I plan to celebrate after each treatment is over, marking each one off with joy as it moves me closer to being finished. If you're so inclined......celebrate with me!!
Thanks again for your continued prayers as I begin chemo soon. I am praying for minimal side affects and no complications.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Good News!
Good news. My PET scan results came back normal! As my friend J says Praise God and cross that off your list! Thank you all for your prayers. I am doing a happy dance!
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